Global Warming

Global Warming is the biggest sham in scientific history. That being said (and nuclear power should also be the power of the future if we care about the environment...creating a solar panel makes far more waste than running a nuclear plant for years), U Weekly ran a nice article on global warming today that made me laugh. So here you go.
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People sure can be an ungrateful, snotty bunch of crybabies. Mother Nature opened her loving arms and offered us a reprieve from the bitterly frigid temperatures that normally drape Ohio in the winter, and the best people could do was complain about global warming. Thanks to whiny, tree-hugging, dolphin-f*ucking liberals, Mother Nature recanted her gift and brought back the nut-freezing climate that us Ohioans were just starting to forget. Piss on Al Gore and his herd of hippy followers. Christ, can’t you people ever be happy?
It was a beautifully mild day in early January. The temperature was 57 degrees. I had just gotten home from a brisk run when I flicked on the television. CNN ran a story about the unseasonably mild weather and had a bunch of nerdy (probably virgin) scientists insisting that global warming was going to be the end of the world. They were talking some crap about glaciers melting, sea levels rising, animals being killed off and ecosystems being ruined. I call bulls**t.
Ever since, news reports can’t shut their mouths about the dangers of global warming. Most of these “scientists” seemed to think that the greenhouse gases that us humans have emitted over the last 50 years has somehow caused the temperature of the world to rise a few measly degrees. What a bunch of dicks.
I’m no genius. I don’t hold a doctorate, master’s, or even a bachelor’s. But I do have a Ph.D is common-f**king-sense. Allow me to explain.
The earth is old. Real old. Around 4.5 billion years to be exact. The earth is also huge – I won’t bother you with the details of just how big it is, but you get the idea. Aside from being really old and really big, the earth is also one of the most complex and ridiculously complicated systems known to man. Leave it to us humans to think that we can destroy something that has survived for 4.5 billion years and sustained meaningful life for the better part of 230 million years in just 50 years. People (especially Americans) have a terrible habit of over stating their importance to, well, everything.
Let’s try an exercise in analogy; it’ll go a long way to discredit the entire scientific community regarding global warming. I may win the Nobel Prize in scientific achievement for this:
If the earth is 4.5 billion years old than that means that 50 years is around .00000001% of the current age of the earth. If the Earth were a 18 year-old adult, that would equate (by my calculations, which are very likely wrong) to just a few seconds - or, about the time it takes to fart.
In my day I have let rip some of the most heinous, insidious, foul and otherwise un-Godly farts that anyone could possibly fathom. I have filled my bowels with countless gallons of beer and Jack Daniels, I have made hundreds of trips to Taco Bell at 3am and I have eaten enough junk food to single handedly keep Hostess in business. But I have never ripped a fart so bad that I simply stop functioning and died. Not yet, anyway.
You see, global warming is like a fart. It isn’t very pleasant, it’s very uncomfortable for the people around you and everyone will be looking to blame someone - but it isn’t that bad. And eventually, with time, you won’t think anything of it...until the next one. And unfortunately there are always people that want to make a bigger deal out of it than it is.
To be sure, the temperature is rising. But since scientists can, as of yet, only find correlation and not causation, I think its safe to assume that any rise in temperature is likely caused by events that took place long before most of us were even here. Changing the landscape of the most complicated physical system known to man probably takes longer than what amounts to a few seconds.
So maybe if Al Gore and the rest of his parishioners apologize and ask real nice, Mother Nature will bring back those comfortably warm temperatures and forgive us for being snot-nosed, whiny ingrates.